Today’s 100 degree heat kept me inside much of the day. I have had a hard time today really. Cleaning out files, drawers, boxes, I found some of those favorite things that have been kept for sentimental reasons. Photos are the most valuable to me and I’ve surrounded my self with lots of old pictures in albums and in frames. Some are loose lying here waiting to be scanned. I’ve scanned almost all of them for preservation purposes. I keep all my photographs stored on smugmug.com.
As I write this, I listen to Simon & Garfunkel’s El Condor Pasa; Seals & Croft; Looking Glass. Those bands I heard on the radio when I was really small. I look at photos from that time. I miss my mom terribly. I want to share my baby with her; for him to know her; for her to know I am meeting my life goals; am happy. There has always been a very big emptiness in my heart without her. It’s been 26 years. The loss of a parent—it stays with you forever.
There’s a party going on that floor in the picture above. It’s a family reunion and everyone is there but me, us. It’s hard. I did not plan like I should have and am terribly sad about it. That is me in that photo at Christmas time in Decatur IL. I still play with farm toys, but bigger ones. My horse was a big part of my life then and although he’s gone now, I have my Carter. Family: cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmothers are all connected via Facebook. We live all over the country. =) I love them so.
It would be the one opportunity that there would be four generations together: my gramma, my dad, me, and my baby. I say next year. But you never know. My heart aches this evening.
Wow, I better go feed my baby.